MY FRIENDS. WE HAVE PROPER LOOKING CINNAMON ROLLS.
Just....ignore those middle ones.
The secret was to cut them into strips THEN roll them. They rolled perfectly. The middleones are still silly looking, but onl because I didn't cut the "edges" or the end of the dough. I'll do that next time, whenever that is.
I'm calling this a success and FINALLY moving on to another bread next week!