i have...i'm gonna say, dozens of obsessions. i live in a cloud of delirious mania that may be laser-focused in about seven different directions at any given time. i have never once chosen a single lane or mainlined one hobby to the point of "getting gud" or monetizing projects or specializing in the intricacies of a thing at an expert level because there is *too much* and none of it ever stops, and being like this can be bloody exhausting.

you'd think that at least i'm never bored, but i frequently am, because depression and anxiety make *doing the thing* complicated and tiresome and sometimes painful.

i am finally, slowly getting back into Elite: Dangerous because my new PC setup is finally complete, i can use my HOTAS controls once more, and it's taken me multiple sessions to relearn the basics of the game and tweak keybindings and watch tutorials about stuff i used to have memorized and shit what's that trigger do [phoot] oh right, it launches a heatsink, just like the last seven times i forgot what that trigger does. but i'm getting back into the groove with it to where i can lose myself a little bit in exploration and zone out in that kind of "Dark Star" headspace, which is what i love about it. some people drive trucks for a living and come home and play European Truck Simulator. same deal.

but none of my obsessions right now are deep or interesting enough to dim the anxiety of being out of work, or to numb my mind against the grinding tedium and crushing disappointment of the job hunt. it is everpresent and all-pervasive. it's in the air and water. it's making me medicate myself to sleep.

i found myself wishing tonight that i could just dive head-first into a fandom of my choice and ride that mania to a plateau of lysergic bliss. find an RP community like the old days and find a mask to staple over my face and just stay like that, in a state of creative play, for days at a time. retreat inward and be someone else, somewhere else, far far away.

"let's have some music in here, Boiler." "sure thing."

https://youtu.be/eTa2vXL7FI8?si=-tGCik70ZephjXhG