i actually have nowhere to be for the next 45 minutes and no pressing matters to attend to, so let"s see how much of this i can get down typing on my phone.

i have been listening to a lot of UFO podcasts lately--in particular "UFO Rabbit Hole," which i recommend--and i'm starting to understand the phenomenon a little better from the perspective of scholars and philosophers who study it. one point that keeps being brought up is that UFO's and other paranormal phenomena are "not photogenic" in that they seem to actively avoid being photographed or recorded. and in so many eyewitness accounts where multiple people report a sighting, they will often report seeing completely different things, even if the two witnesses are in the same place at the same time.

we rely so much on how we perceive the physical world via the visible spectrum, but the eyes are so easy to trick. we catch a glimpse of something, the mind tells stories and fills in the blanks (thanks, small mammal evolutionary traits!) and something half-seen takes on a life of its own. *we cannot trust our eyes.*

memory is similar. memories shift around up there, sandcastles on shaky ground. every time you recall a memory, your brain is reaching back to the *last* time you remembered it. my SO and i have at least one argument a month where we remember something or someplace or someone from 10, 20, 30 years ago differently--who is right? doesn't matter. the past is a foreign country. *we can't trust our memories.*

i am starting to realize that having an artificial body won't be enough for me. i want--i need a digital consciousness, with the unbiased cognition and perception of a machine that can rewrite its code from the inside. i am so very tired of the limitations of both my organic body and brain. i don't want to cling to consensus reality and keep on truckin' like i'm doing right now (because the alternative is to run through the streets screaming and crying and laughing and screaming, and man do i hate running).

i want to see the world in every possible spectrum, an unfiltered and unfettered sensorium. i want a brain that won't lie to me and an intellect capable of processing every thought and act and experience with speed and clarity and precision. i want a memory that doesn't get smudgy around the edges. i want it all of this in a chrome-titanium chassis that is beautiful and terrifying and entirely mine and entirely, finally, me.

and i want a pony. well, i say that but i don't really have room for one. if i wind up with all of the above AND a pony, first chance i get i'll find it a nice farm to go munch hay on. in. whatever.

if being like this means i will, for all intents and purposes, be no longer considered human, then, well...i'll take it.

i hope someday i get to tell you all what it's like.