ever have one of those days where you feel like the only thing maintaining your continued existence is a piece of music? if i weren't listening to The Postal Service's "give up" right now i suspect that my personal waveform might just collapse and i'd disappear utterly.

last friday, Rose (80-pound tricolor hound) attacked Ray (17-pound lapdog) for the second time in as many months, leaving multiple puncture wounds that required sutures. Ray is traumatized and in obvious pain, but she is healing and not in any danger.

Rose, on the other hand, is an aging dog with multiple heath issues who has had aggression problems since before she joined our family. she made life miserable for her packmate Pearl and attacked her a handful of times while she was still with us. we should have acted back then, but at the time we felt that returning Rose to the pound would have been cruel, and that carefully curbing her behavior was the answer. we were wrong, and i'll never forgive myself for allowing these things to continue due to base sentimentality. Ray deserves, and Pearl deserved an easy life free from being tormented by a packmate, and we could have stopped it; but we loved Rose and blindly figured things would improve.

i will be taking Rose to the vet to be euthanized tonight. this was not an easy decision to make, regardless of what happened friday night. there was some talk about taking her to an adoption agency, but due to multiple factors--her age, health problems, possible canine senility setting in, her history of violence and the fact that she now knows what it feels like to bite so hard she can break the skin, which may compel her to do it again--preclude this possibility. problem dogs don't get adopted. we would be dooming her to a lonely, miserable existence, waiting out her days in a concrete kennel while she watched other dogs go home with happy families. i hate that we can't keep her. i hate that i feel i have failed Rose and our other dogs because i should have known the first time she tore a chunk out of Pearl's ear that providing a good home and discipline weren't going to be enough.

before i take her to the vet, Rose and i are going to go to the park for a while. her busted back leg keeps her from walking far but i'll make sure she gets to sniff lots of flowers. she's going to scarf down the double cheeseburger i get for her without wondering why she's not getting yelled at for eating people food. and i'm going to tell her that i love her very much.

i'm going to go home afterwards and sleep. i wish i could just sleep for weeks sometimes.