zx3 @zx3@driveinsaturday.org

Pearl

https://youtu.be/gGYlocT1kOA

here we reach one of the really shit things about depression; i have a dozen things i could be doing but i don't feel the drive to do any of them, because the whole thing smacks of effort, man. so i'm in bed by 9PM.

plus i beat Breath of the Wild last night so i can't burn a couple of hours looking for those last 30-some-odd shrines.

at least i mostly cleaned off the desk hutch so that Phase Whatever of the new desk setup plan can continue, and i did a solid day's job search. let the Cavalcade Of Rejections begin!

this week is going to be...difficult.

ahhhh shit. here we go again.

https://www.reddit.com/r/StCharlesMO/comments/1500kup/the_library_is_under_attack_and_we_need_your_help/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1

it's a lot easier to pretend that Everything Happening Now doesn't exist as a line on a diagram being plotted somewhere and that all the lines are converging and at the center of the diagram is a big sign that says "ESCHATON (AHHHH SHIT)" when you have booze and good music.

we have always been living in the End Times. we have never had a choice in the matter.

well, for starters, i lost my job today. the company had a bad year and they had to reduce headcount--that's the story. i get a month's severance and benefits, which is better than nothing, but still. this was a kick in the fucking teeth and i wasn't expecting it.

i've worked there for close to a year and a half, i have a long list of the things i've worked on, and that should be enough to get my foot in the door working Cybersecurity elsewhere. i'm not WORRIED worried inasmuch as i'm dreading the job search process--i feel like i just finished up with all this shit, which i did. job hunting is one of most aggravating and soul-deadening processes i know, it is a one-person waltz through a minefield full of cow flop, and i've already done enough of it to last me.

i really wish this was the "break" i needed to kick-start my creative career, but right now the SO isn't working full-time, and considering our health situations we both need insurance--so that opportunity is closed to me for now. maybe they'll let me write a book after i'm dead.

the other bad news was something we knew, but was confirmed--my 11-year-old Treeing Walker Coonhound/Foxhound mix, Pearl, has large cell lymphoma. we knew she was ill and losing weight, there was a chance that it might just have been an infection, but the bloodwork indicated otherwise. Pearl is one of the best things about my life and i now have two to four months in which to say goodbye. we are devastated by this--we found out last week and outside of mentioning it on Rezy's Discord i didn't want to say anything here until i knew for sure.

the thing about having dogs is that you know in your heart of hearts you're going to outlive them, but it never makes it easier. and for whatever reason, the majority of dogs that have been in our family have passed early due to health problems--cancer, anemia, infection, etc. we've only had one dog live to a ripe old age, and that was Shamrock, who was also extremely dear to me.

i am trying to take a long, broad view of things, recognize that i will be back in mourning for a while, that i will miss everything good that Pearl is and was, and eventually there are other dogs in the world who are going to need people to take care of them, and we'll adopt them, and they will be special little goofballs filled with love because that's what ten thousand years of breeding apex predators for maximum cuteness and goofiness does to a species. but this is not a logical process, and i have my SO's mourning also to carry, and none of this is going to be particularly easy no matter how well i have it mapped out in my head. i'm going to have to say goodbye way too soon, and it hurts.

and if that all wasn't enough for one day, the water pump in the SO's car crapped out and it'll be a $1000+ repair bill. like...thanks god. thanks so fucking much.

if you need me, i'll be trying to find a way out of the bottom of the Karma Pit.

well, that was a good run, i suppose. laid off with a month's severance.

hmm. i may have spoken too soon. the mobo's NIC isn't taking a connection. fortunately i have an old wifi dongle, maybe bong ri^H^H^H a set of fresh drivers will fix my install. obsessive gadget hoarding saves the day once more!

SHE LIVES! SHE LIIIIIIIVES!!!

https://youtu.be/Jm-upHSP9KU

[turns chair around, sits in it backwards, addresses camera] hey, human kids. you know, it's all well and good to listen to Tom Waits. Sure, we've all stashed a copy of "Swordfishtrombone" behind the toilet tank, there's no shame in admitting it. But if you find yourself identifying too closely with his music, you're headed down a dark path, amigo.

if you find yourself nodding, sighing and wistfully whispering "same" into your bourbon-stained pork-pie hat while listening to "Rain Dogs," it's time to seek help. remember, the first step is to stop eating cold beans out of a dead hobo's shoe down by the Cadillac graveyard off 34th and Calico, using your broken dreams as a spoon.