zx3 @zx3@driveinsaturday.org

current enjobulation status:

* in holding pattern for swanky job for which i have been interviewed four times (fucking FOUR!!!111!) decision-makers are on holiday until next week, feels like close to a sure thing but having to drag out the wait like this is excruciating

* possibly ghosted by super-cool IT job in academia; i may not have been 100% qualified but i know i aced the interview and i was kinda hoping this one would come through because i think it'd be more fun than the first job

* on deck for panel interview (#3 for fuck's sake) for Job I Don't Really Want because it's tech support, BUT there's a clear escalation path to eventually working in Cybersecurity there, so i might have to bite my tongue and play the long game

* flamed out of interview for other academic IT job since it would primarily be for Macs and i have a primarily Wintel background. i hate hearing "i don't want to waste your time" a few minutes in to one of these things because there's no way to pull out of the skid and you might as well close the laptop and go back to bed at that point

* recruiter contacted me for possible admin position with Evil Baby-Killing Military Death Merchants but it would only be 6 months and i'd get a Secret Clearance level out of it, which is the keys to the fuckin' kingdom where security jobs are concerned. my conscience is making its case known. i just don't fucking know anymore

sick of the grind. feeling socially withdrawn and tired all the time. no good news to bring to the table for thanksgiving. tired of constant gnawing anxiety even when i'm feeling okay.

it's a this kind of day

https://youtu.be/7GdsftXc0yU?si=V2Vlmr_5MUT6zz_l

[thought process]

"well, i can't do that. that would be a lie."

"everything is a lie. the human world is encrusted by a miles-thick crystalline lattice of artifice and false emotion. you can not dig yourself out, nor can you reduce its volume by living with honesty; you are part of the lie in the same way that a single blade of grass is part of the forest."

"...so you're saying i *do* deserve another peanut butter cup."

@001zlnv @xinjinmeng i broke one in a Taco Bell once! my mom was mad.

@xinjinmeng and not just those little flimsy tin ones! glass ashtrays like your gramma had!

attempting bell peppers and beef. standby.

@mawr Giant Burrito for Prime Minister!

thank fuck it's not Gozer again.

i have...i'm gonna say, dozens of obsessions. i live in a cloud of delirious mania that may be laser-focused in about seven different directions at any given time. i have never once chosen a single lane or mainlined one hobby to the point of "getting gud" or monetizing projects or specializing in the intricacies of a thing at an expert level because there is *too much* and none of it ever stops, and being like this can be bloody exhausting.

you'd think that at least i'm never bored, but i frequently am, because depression and anxiety make *doing the thing* complicated and tiresome and sometimes painful.

i am finally, slowly getting back into Elite: Dangerous because my new PC setup is finally complete, i can use my HOTAS controls once more, and it's taken me multiple sessions to relearn the basics of the game and tweak keybindings and watch tutorials about stuff i used to have memorized and shit what's that trigger do [phoot] oh right, it launches a heatsink, just like the last seven times i forgot what that trigger does. but i'm getting back into the groove with it to where i can lose myself a little bit in exploration and zone out in that kind of "Dark Star" headspace, which is what i love about it. some people drive trucks for a living and come home and play European Truck Simulator. same deal.

but none of my obsessions right now are deep or interesting enough to dim the anxiety of being out of work, or to numb my mind against the grinding tedium and crushing disappointment of the job hunt. it is everpresent and all-pervasive. it's in the air and water. it's making me medicate myself to sleep.

i found myself wishing tonight that i could just dive head-first into a fandom of my choice and ride that mania to a plateau of lysergic bliss. find an RP community like the old days and find a mask to staple over my face and just stay like that, in a state of creative play, for days at a time. retreat inward and be someone else, somewhere else, far far away.

"let's have some music in here, Boiler." "sure thing."

https://youtu.be/eTa2vXL7FI8?si=-tGCik70ZephjXhG

@Momentrabbit one advantage of living in the church is that you won't have rowdy immortals mucking up the place with their swordfights. it's three times a week around here. i'm like "go have your little head-choppy lightning battles somewhere else" but do they listen to me? phaugh.

(don't know what level of levity-appreciation you're currently at but we are all pulling for you, this is an awfully tough thing you're going through and i hope it all turns out well)

sending a rejection notice to a job applicant on the same day as their interview should cause the sender an immediate sensation of nausea and intense groinal pain, because that's exactly what getting one feels like.