zx3 @zx3@driveinsaturday.org

i suck at art.

i blame my poor fine motor control, which also makes my handwriting like unto an illegible mass of alien hieroglyphics. i also blame the fact that i seem to lack a sense of aesthetics on a creative level, a kind of internal feng shui that says THIS shape and THIS color look good in THIS lighting and as a result my living space is cluttered, dark, chaotic, lacking both form and function.

anybody with any artistic sense or experience, having seen something i've produced, could recognize one of my other art projects a mile away; my unique terribleness is as distinct a fingerprint as the brushstrokes of a genuine Matisse. i see things i've made or painted and see every poor decision, lack of planning or precision or expertise reflected in the final product.

but i keep doing it. because i like doing it.

the act of creating art, low or high, skilled or amateur, is theraputic, and that is a value that cannot be replicated by AI.

FINALLY. Zeno's Computer Desk has been completed.

now i just need to move it off the flooring, adjust the flooring, put it back in the right spot so that the flooring stays put, get my new PC's cabling cleaned up and case back on, move everything onto the new desk and set up, determine which of my secondary systems are going to have room, figure out where the VCR is gonna go, get all my backups back online, get the old PC''s SSD set up for additional storage, reassemble the PC case, install all the software i need, paint the ceiling vent cover, figure out how to improve the lighting setup, start thinking about shelving and...

crap.

i haven't been thinking clearly lately.

not saying things are improving. just taking notice of the obvious.

got a head full of ghosts tonight. fitting, i suppose.

#STL Tower Grove Pride was pretty awesome.

i tabled for the DSA for a few hours and had a great time. for one thing, people were actually engaged and interested in what we had to say, and none of it felt like a hard sell; i had some interesting conversations with folks who were on different levels of engagement and very few shied away.

for the other, everybody was in a *good mood* and genuinely happy to be there in the sunshine in a safe environment, being themselves, wearing whatever, feeling welcomed, just...vibing. i don't think i've ever experienced anything like that before, on this kind of scale.

in any crowd, i always have my head on a swivel unless i feel generally at ease. today was no exception, i kept watch for people who stood out, but not for the sake of standing out--people dressed "normal" or visibly trying to blend in while looking nervous or frightened or angry. i was expecting shit-disturbers, and while i'm sure there were some (a comrade found a guy handing out Chick tracts), the worst i witnessed were some perplexed and bored-looking dads. everywhere else i looked were people experiencing joy and community with no filters or worries or social shields up, and i nearly cried thinking about it on the drive home. *i want this,* for everybody, forever.

the only really negative thing--and it was a source of hilarity for my group--was the presence of a Libertarian Party tent a few spaces down from us. i was tempted to march down there and go all Niedermeyer on 'em. "WHAAAAT THE HELL IS THAT? IS THAT A RAINBOW GADSDEN FLAAAAG???? IN YOUR PRIDE TENT????? WHAAAAAT DO YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIIIIIFE?" (libertarians are unable to answer "I wanna rock" because they all think they should be the lead singer and nobody wants to play bass.)

heeeeey kiiiiiids, it's time once again fooooooor

(kids yell) "UNKIE ROBOT'S PLAYHOUSE" (wacky music intro)

that's right kids! ya know, ol' unkie robot's been very very productive today! he's gotten a lot accomplished and knocked a handful of items off his to-do list! and you know what THAT means! that means tomorrow my energy levels will be?

(kids yell) "ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC"

THAT'S RIGHT! and how will that make unkie robot feel?

(kids yell) "COMPLETELY USELESS"

righty-o again kids! and why is that? becaaaaaause...

(drumroll)

(kids yell) "YOU'RE NOT A GOOD PERSON"

THAT'S RIIIIIIGHT!

(wacky clown music, confetti, sparklers, CHUNG CHUNG CHUNG CHUNG CLACK CLACK CHUNG CHUNG CHUNG SPLUT)

i am REAL goddamned fucking tired.

does anyone know how many times i have to listen to "Rez" by Underworld before it hard-reboots my cognition cores? eleven times? is it twelve? more? hmm?

let's ah-find out.

EVERYBODY GET IN HERE, I HAVE LOCATED A NEW HILL TO DIE ON

not only is "THEY LIVE" a documentary, but it exists in the same universe as "Videodrome."

also, "THEY LIVE" is painfully, almost scathingly more relevant now than it was at the time of release. you owe yourself a re-watch.

it's September first. that creaking, cracking, breaking sound you hear is the Auld Gofficks in your neighborhood emerging from their sarcophagi in search of absinthe and clove cigarettes and a place to look morose at without being hassled.

beautiful, isn't it? the cosmic ballet goes on.

https://youtu.be/ubZxoPGVjZo?si=LeRc4F0zW6pZETa_

[after a day of intense competency, forward motion on both job search and a personal project, and general Getting Shit Done] wow, i'm moving past the awfulness. i feel okay. i'm not panicking. is this the legendary "go time?" am i even mentally ill anymore?

[after a night of screaming anxiety dreams and a morning where i could just barely drag my ass out of bed to do a pointless Teams interview, eat a shit-ton of carbs and collapse back in bed] hmm. (insert Bowie's "All The Madmen" here)

corollary: if you listen to the Tron: Uprising soundtrack, it's the same, but you have bad hair and your limbs are helllllla loooooooong for some reason

(nothing but love for my Uprising peeps out there, #TronLives)

remember, if you listen to the "Tron Legacy" soundtrack while you do it, it's not illegal. it's important, brilliantly subversive work that you're doing to create a free system under the thumb of an oppressive megalomaniac.

it's finally raining after a week-long heatwave here in the Midwest. thunder has been booming for hours now. Pearl hated thunder and would need physical contact and reassurance through every storm. now, trying to enjoy the sound of rain on the roof and gentle rolls of thunder across the sky, getting conflicting feelings. i hope Pearl's ghost is not too bothered. i hope she understands i would still be holding her if i could.

i keep miscalculating how many dogs are in the house. "Rose is in the front room, Ray is right here, so where is--oh. dammit."

one of the shining stars at the center of my universe has blinked out. Goodbye Pearl, you will be with me forever.

thanks for your #movie recommendations, everybody. i decided on "Hotel Artemis" because my dear sister recommended it a while back and i trust her judgement. i hope you all have an incomprehensible friday night, as i am having.